Archive for February 2011

Sick

28 February, 2011

We’ve been sick around here lately. Sick a lot. I think that we’ve spent most of our last two months sick. I’m tired of being sick. It makes me sit and be quiet and miss him and realize that he is gone.

1 year, 5 months and 1 week. Living without him.

This last round all started on Valentines Day. Go figure. It really isn’t a ‘holiday’ that Doug and I really ever celebrated. Well, actually, he did. He would get me a card and some flowers. I would feel guilty and get him a card as well. I wish I could tell him that I actually really liked this about him. That boyish romance.

After he died, I found several cards I had just stashed away in a drawer. I keep them around and out to read on the holidays. To pretend that he is still here. To see his handwriting and hear his voice through his written words. To feel his love.

 

 

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An all in one…

25 February, 2011

I missed my monthly letter to Lido…we have been fighting the flu and colds for over a month now. Today, I’m on day two of the flu and my head feels like it’s going to explode but there are things to write. So here goes:

My Dearest Child,

Your vocabulary is going crazy right now. You talk my ear off and make your teachers wonder if you can talk as you do not interact much with them. That’s okay though…I know you are talking like crazy!

We went to a birthday party of one of your friends the other weekend which is really kind of cool because your little friend’s Mommy is my friend from childhood as well. We all went to the Fire Station and you loved climbing on the big trucks and seeing the lights go off. You really really loved it and you continue to point out EVERY firetruck around. You are adamant that ambulances are also firetrucks…no sense arguing with you.

And the big news of the month….ready for this? Are you sure?

YOU ARE POTTY TRAINED!!!

I thought I had lost my window of opportunity to potty train you but due to being sick with the flu for a week and having to get you to pee in a cup at the Doctor’s office – you are completely potty trained. Like with many things – you get it in your head to do it – and you do it. Done. Finished. And I didn’t even have to bribe you with candy! I really don’t believe in doing that for potty training. Because then I wouldn’t be able to use it for important things like…getting you to pee in a cup after the doctor swabbed your nose to test for the flu!

That was kind of funny. I tried getting you to pee in that cup in various ways – promising that we would go home right away, that you could watch a movie when we got home – even Dora. You weren’t buying it though. You just held it all in. Until, I promised you candy and I was lucky to have the cup where it needed to be because you filled that thing up!

I’m so proud of you.

Lately again, you have been asking about Daddy. For all of those that think you will not remember…ha. You may not remember exact things but you remember feelings. You remember things that I don’t know that you remember. You are definitely getting to the age where you wonder why everyone else has a Daddy and you don’t. You’ve been asking where your Daddy is…It hurts so much to hear you ask these things and get sad about the answer. It isn’t fair that the person that so wanted to be a Daddy and always looked forward to every day with you – is gone. It isn’t fair. And as you grow up – you’ll sense this unfairness and that is okay. It is okay to say and feel that it is unfair. It is okay to be angry. It’s the choice you make through that that makes the difference.

Because it is unfair and because it does make me angry is why I do the things I’m doing. I never felt that I believed in anything as much as I believed in your Dad and what he was doing and accomplishing. My entire body and soul supported what he was doing and oozed pride for what he accomplished professionally and personally. He was a great person before flying but something just woke up in him even more. He and I talked about this and he always said that the majority of it was not that he was doing something that he loved but that he had someone beside him, loving him and saying ‘do it’ and supporting him along the entire way – to share in something incredible.

This is probably one of the reasons why I started the foundation. There were other things that I could probably have been a part of but none of them would have mattered to me as much as this foundation. No, we are not saving starving children or helping to find a cure for cancer but my goal is to show that dreams are as important as these other things. Dreams are what life is made of. It is what helps starving children & helps to find a cure for cancer. I imagine a day when I receive a phone call or email telling me how one of our scholarship recipients made a difference in someone’s life. Maybe it is an email stating how we made a difference in their life.

One thing that I have learned more and more over this past year and through your Dad’s death is how interconnected we all are. That some small thing that we said to someone can have such a big impact on their life and that what we do today is who we truly become tomorrow. Why not try and have the most positive impact as possible?

I miss him completely every day and as you grow and change – well – I didn’t think that it could get more difficult and hurt more. I do know that you are surrounded by his love every day. That even though he is not here in the flesh he is beside you every moment.

I love you.

In this life always and the next,

Your Momom