Scraps of paper

There is so much to do and I’m not sure where to start. I’m waiting on other people at this moment in order to start several projects – on the home front and on the foundation front. I don’t like waiting. Mainly because if I don’t have to wait my focus is on certain things versus waiting and looking around…

Looking at all of the things I really need to do here at home. For me.

Like go through all of our stuff. Start getting rid of the little scraps of paper I still have tucked in the same drawer he last put them in. Or, taking his clothes down from my closet. It’s an accumulation of things all around – the old mixed in with the new – but the old is filled with our stuff that hasn’t been touched or moved in a year and a half. So many things.

And for some reason, those things, scraps of paper, are impossible to get rid of.

Recently, I told a friend that I no longer wanted to be treated as a widow. I said this because so many people don’t do or do certain things because I am a widow. At times I just want to scream that I am still alive. That I am the one who was left here. I am the one who was left to try and survive all of this. I am the one who has been trying my best to pick up the pieces and to fill a gaping hole that will never be completely filled. I am the one who is trying to live life. I don’t want to shrink away and constantly be ‘that person’. I want to be a part of life. No matter how hard it is – and how raw – I want to feel again. I want to feel happiness and not this constant friend of grief.

It’s what he would have wanted. It’s what he wants.

But it is hard. For all involved.

So, again, I come back to myself. Focus on myself and my son. Start packing those tiny scraps of paper, understanding that it is what is in our hearts and our heads that is unending – those are the memories. That is the love.

It’s still fucking hard.

 

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Explore posts in the same categories: Blogroll, Flying Dodo, Widowhood

2 Comments on “Scraps of paper”

  1. Tea~ Says:

    Can I bring you a scrapbook for all those little pieces? =) Something of the daily life of you two…


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