My hands are shaking a little.

I just took a hammer to a wall and part of the ceiling to ‘pre-demo’ part of my kitchen. To find out what we are dealing with. To find out if the architectural plans can go ahead as drawn.

I now have a big gaping hole in part of the wall and ceiling.

And I’m crying.

And I’m not sure why.

Maybe it’s because I’ve bottled up so much lately. Maybe it’s because yesterday was the 2oth of the month and I had a day with my Mom, just the two of us – which hasn’t happened since the 20th of September. The day Doug died. Maybe it’s just…

Well, I’m not sure.

I think you get to a certain point on this road of widowhood where you get very used to putting on a ‘good face’ for everyone else. You get to a certain point where things just move forward and you try as best as you can. You hold back your emotions while being quite vulnerable all at the same time. You develop an art to the craft of widowhood.

Then the demolition starts.

But it doesn’t start with you. It starts with a wall in your house. Not even a wall that holds any memories of the two of you. The hammer hits. The wall starts to come down. Your hands start shaking. You wonder where the hell are the tears coming from. There must be dust in your eyes. You keep at it. Hammering. Shaking. Crying.

Then you look down. And he is staring up at you from a picture left on a desk in front of you.

You wish he was there. With his music, his smile, his laughter, his arguing on how to best demo the wall that lasts over an hour.

You wish he had been there just a few weeks ago to celebrate his birthday.

Then realization creeps in. Realization that you’ve been moving forward full force for way too long. You’ve been doing too many things to take away the ‘thinking’. You’ve been hiding it all. Suppressing it all.

And you pick up the hammer again.

Realizing that this is part of it all. Part of learning to live a dual life. To chip away at what has been protecting you for a long time, eventually taking a hammer to it one day and opening up the holes that will always be a part of the structure of you.

Then you set the hammer down.

You start to rebuild.

But everything that is underneath is interwoven with and built from what has come before.

Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Uncategorized, Widowhood

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