Archive for May 2011

Weekends like these…

29 May, 2011

It’s weekends like these that are still so hard to get through. The weekends where even if we didn’t have plans to do something big, we’d be together doing something together.

We’d be together. Work would be a memory for a couple of days and we would just have some fun. We’d get some house things accomplished, take Lido to the beach or the park. Just be.

It’s weekends like these that I feel the absolute loneliest. Invitations to do things on a holiday weekend just don’t have the same excitement as they once did. I dread them. Actually, I dread them even if they don’t fall on a holiday weekend. I don’t like being there by myself amongst others who are married or dating someone or if they are single…well, I’m just not comfortable with being single without it being my choice. It’s still just so much a slap in the face that this is my reality and I don’t like it one bit.

I’m so tired. I’m so sad. I just have absolutely no idea what to do. I feel I have no direction. I try to have my schedule. I run most every day. That at least minimizes the stress. I’m able to handle things better. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make everything go away.

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On Edge

26 May, 2011

My Dearest,

It’s been several days that I’ve been feeling so on edge. Then I realized that in just a few days it will be June 1st. The day you proposed to me.

Then we had severe storms and tornado’s here the past few days and during one – sirens going off for an hour – I was here. In the basement. Without Lido. He was at school and I almost took off to at least just be with him. I didn’t care. I wanted to get as close to him as possible. Then I decided against it. I didn’t want something to happen to him on our way back home or to me on the way there and make him an orphan. So, I sat in the basement. Alone. Trying not to panic. Trying to hold it all together.

Before I went to the basement I ran upstairs and grabbed our wedding rings and your watch…and you. Then I stood in the hall looking into both bedrooms and in the office wondering if there was anything else I should grab. If there was anything else here that I would be devastated to lose.

There wasn’t. At least not in the house. He was at school.

If something like this would have happened prior to losing you, I would have gone crazy gathering ‘things’.

Not anymore. I grabbed the items that are dear to me but I don’t think I would have been completely devastated if I had lost them. I’ve felt that total devastation and I feel it in some form or another every day. There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t believe that this is real. The feeling that at any minute you’ll walk through the door is not an every minute occurrence but I still have only one dream at night when I do dream. The one where you all of a sudden show up and you say you’ve been in Mexico on a job…It’s the same dream. Every time. And we haven’t even been to fucking Mexico.

Every fiber in my being wants you to see your son and how he has grown. He has so many mannerisms of you. Between the two of us – you and me – he’s got every ‘look’ covered. He is shy. He is loving. He is stubborn. He is wonderful. You should be so proud.

Lately, he wants to do everything by himself. He keeps telling me that ‘I a big boy Momom’. He still needs me though and that is nice. I try and tell him stories about you and we look at pictures all of the time. It’s so hard though – to capture all of you. My words just don’t seem to be enough.

I miss you terribly. I love you forever.

In this life and the next,

Me

2 years 8 months

16 May, 2011

My Darling Lido,

The best thing that has happened in the past few weeks, the past few days, was when you were playing in the sunroom and looked up at me with a great big smile and said ‘Momom, I’m happy’.

It brought a few tears to my eyes. I wonder all of the time if things are going well for you. I wonder if you are happy because I feel so unhappy so much of the time. But there you were – letting me know with that big smile of yours and your wonderful eyes…that you are happy.

You have another two weeks of school left and then a week off before you start their summer program. Your only going three days a week and I’m a little nervous about that one. I’m just not used to being a full time, all the time, parent. But I think our summer will be filled with a lot of fun.

Changes are happening every day with you. You are still such an amazing little boy. You had mini-olympics at your school the other day and since it wasn’t your normal day to attend we got there after normal school time. You needed to go to the bathroom and led me to where you needed to go. You followed the little path they have on the floor for you little ones to remember where to go and you marched right into the boys bathroom, pulled up a stool in front of the urinal, did your business. Pulled another stool in front of the sink, washed your hands and walked so tall and proud out of there. I was so proud of you. You did it all by yourself and were so utterly sure of yourself as well.

As I watched you walk back to your classroom, I noticed once again, you walk like your Daddy. It’s pretty cute. You have so many mannerisms that he had and I think that you are going to be a lefty as well. You are doing so well in this new school it is amazing. You are learning about insects this month and the other day launched in unexpectedly into how a caterpillar goes into a cocoon and turns into a butterfly. Then you just walked off and did something else. You and C were playing on the floor the other evening with your blocks and he started counting them out and then stopped for you to fill in the next number. You said the number then he said the next then you then him…you counted all the way up to 15 by every other number. We both looked at each other amazed.

You still enjoy our runs and have stopped yelling at me to run or walk at different times. You like our evenings outside and play and play and play. You ride your y-bike off of the patio onto the driveway at full speed now…much to my dismay. But you land it every time. You’ve been testing that one for a while so I know you have it down pat.

As I was taking a 7ft. painting up the stairs, I hit it on the wall and out came “oh shit” from my mouth. I reached the top of the stairs and you were following close behind and I heard you say in your sweet little voice “oh shit” quite casually. So I guess I need to start watching my mouth. At least I don’t say fuck a lot anymore…although I do miss using it in my everyday vocabulary.

I love you so dearly and so much little one.

In this life and the next,

Your Momom