On Edge

My Dearest,

It’s been several days that I’ve been feeling so on edge. Then I realized that in just a few days it will be June 1st. The day you proposed to me.

Then we had severe storms and tornado’s here the past few days and during one – sirens going off for an hour – I was here. In the basement. Without Lido. He was at school and I almost took off to at least just be with him. I didn’t care. I wanted to get as close to him as possible. Then I decided against it. I didn’t want something to happen to him on our way back home or to me on the way there and make him an orphan. So, I sat in the basement. Alone. Trying not to panic. Trying to hold it all together.

Before I went to the basement I ran upstairs and grabbed our wedding rings and your watch…and you. Then I stood in the hall looking into both bedrooms and in the office wondering if there was anything else I should grab. If there was anything else here that I would be devastated to lose.

There wasn’t. At least not in the house. He was at school.

If something like this would have happened prior to losing you, I would have gone crazy gathering ‘things’.

Not anymore. I grabbed the items that are dear to me but I don’t think I would have been completely devastated if I had lost them. I’ve felt that total devastation and I feel it in some form or another every day. There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t believe that this is real. The feeling that at any minute you’ll walk through the door is not an every minute occurrence but I still have only one dream at night when I do dream. The one where you all of a sudden show up and you say you’ve been in Mexico on a job…It’s the same dream. Every time. And we haven’t even been to fucking Mexico.

Every fiber in my being wants you to see your son and how he has grown. He has so many mannerisms of you. Between the two of us – you and me – he’s got every ‘look’ covered. He is shy. He is loving. He is stubborn. He is wonderful. You should be so proud.

Lately, he wants to do everything by himself. He keeps telling me that ‘I a big boy Momom’. He still needs me though and that is nice. I try and tell him stories about you and we look at pictures all of the time. It’s so hard though – to capture all of you. My words just don’t seem to be enough.

I miss you terribly. I love you forever.

In this life and the next,

Me

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