Archive for June 2011

Father’s Day 2

19 June, 2011

My Dearest,

Happy Father’s Day. Of course, like with any other day, I would like for you to be here in the flesh to enjoy this day and I hope you are looking down on us and know how much you are loved.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant – New Year’s Day. I came down to you and showed you the stick and your reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. You didn’t want to believe it, as we had so many disappointments trying to get pregnant, and wanted no excitement until we went to the Dr. to confirm. It was the first time that I saw how hard all of this had been on you over the years. The cycle of  disappointment, elation and disappointment. I remember sitting on your lap and wrapping my arms around you and whispering in your ear ‘baby, this time, I know it is fine. I can feel it’. I look back on that moment and I am not sure if I ever told you how much I loved you for the fact that you never let on how much you were going through internally. You were my rock through all of this and said nothing of your own pain. You listened to mine over and over again, held me and told me it would happen. This was you and I am so very grateful and my heart is filled with my love for you.

I think that I did finally convince you to get excited that night but it took a lot of effort. On New Year’s Day – you learned that you were going to be a Dad.

And what a great Dad you were. You were so completely excited and wrapped up in your son’s life. You talked to him all throughout the pregnancy and the first moment I started to feel him wiggle around in my belly – you were there talking to him and he responded and you could get my belly to look quite alien because he would follow your voice…I spent many an evening being completely lop-sided…

I really don’t know what else to say, other than we miss you terribly and will love you forever.

Happy Father’s Day babe.

I love you.

In this life and the next.

 

September 16 – Your Father’s Day.

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2 years 9 months

17 June, 2011

My Dearest Lido,

You have quite the independent streak continuing with no hope of going back to being completely dependent on me…but that is okay. It is just fine with me to see your personality develop more and more as the time passes.

You purse your lips like your Dad when you are working hard on something – taking something apart usually – and you continue to have all the same tickle spots as he did. However, you are definitely becoming your own little man. You are into ‘snacks’ right now due to the fact that making dinner at our house is out of the question due to some work being done. Even when I am trying to microwave dinner or prepare something on the grill, I must say that it is a snack or you won’t eat it. You change your mind constantly which is driving me up the wall. You say you want water then when I give you water you say that you don’t want it and then when I put it down you say you want it and this goes on and on and on and on…usually with me getting frustrated or you getting upset because I’m not doing what you want me to do but you really don’t know what it is that you want me to do…

Whew…

I’m not quite sure what to make of you these days. I still wonder at times if we don’t have enough fun as you can be quite whiny and demanding of me. I chalk it up to the fact that you are a small child still trying to figure out the world. I do hope you and I have fun though. I worry about that quite a lot actually. I know you thrive on cleanliness & consistency and with our house pretty much in upheaval right now I worry that you are going just as crazy as I am. You do tell me that things are messy…thanks. I’ll remind you of this when your a teenager and your room is a wreck…

You have started being really creative. This is the part that I absolutely love in our life right now. You also have such a funny sense of humor. Somewhat reserved and quite shocking humor for an almost three year old!

This weekend is Father’s Day. I’ve ignored that fact until today…and it has honestly hit me a little hard. Your Dad would be so proud of you. My heart aches for what you do not have. Your Dad and I would talk about how great it was to be a family and would get into long discussions about what we wanted you to see and learn from our little family as you grew. Things that were about us – as a family. There were so many things that were packed into your first year of life – things that were just you and your Dad. He saw you take your first steps, heard you say Dada, even took you down your first slide. I’m so grateful that he had those things and that you had those things with him since he won’t be here to see so many other firsts. I hold on tight to those – so very tight. I hope you will to as you grow older because those things – him being a part of all of that – is a testament to the type of Father he was. He couldn’t wait to help you ride your first bike or buy you your first skateboard. He couldn’t wait to talk to you as an adult. He gave you all of his love.

His last Father’s day with us I gave him a picture of the two of you. As I was taking the picture, the image I saw through the lens just blew me away. It looked as if the two of you were part of the trees, were a tree, amongst so many others. The image speaks to me and I see strength and love. I see his strength and love.

I’ve been wanting to start something that I think may help in the future as you have times of grieving for him. So this Father’s Day, you and I will start writing little messages to him in a book. There is no grave to visit or urn to see where you can tell him what you are doing or just sit and talk to him so I hope that this will be a way for you to talk to him, to feel a little closer to him. I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad thing to do but it feels very right. I don’t know if you will continue this as you grow older and that is your decision but for now, I will help you add to the book, tell him of your adventures until the time you can do this on your own.

I love you my sweet child. We’re doing okay. We’re learning and evolving and making sure that there is love no matter what.

In this life and the next,

Your Momom