Realize

I just took a trip to Portland and realized on the flight there that Doug and I spent 50% of our life together out there. It has taken me almost two years to make this realization. And it hit me hard. Well, it hit me hard yesterday after I was back home. That’s when the grief and sadness hit.

I’ve always said that I look back on our lives with no regret. For the most part I do – except for one little thing – not realizing that our life was there when we were living it there. That is my one regret. One big regret.

Even with that regret, this trip was good in many ways and quite hard in many ways. I’ve found it, at times, hard to tell the stories about Daddy because anything that I point out here or tell him about that happened here with his Dad doesn’t include him. It was just Doug and I. No Lido here. No memories of us as a family here.

Out there though, that is where our memories as a family are resting. The Dutch Bros. Coffee drive-thru that we would go out of our way for before we headed to the coast. The kite pirate where we bought all of our kites. The airport. The parks. The beaches. The roads…All the roads out there lead to a memory of us as a family. Out there.

Here, it was a life lived what seems so long ago, just the two of us. Doug and I. And now this life, Lido and I. In a town, a city, where both of us as grew up in and have our closest friends in – of all things, it doesn’t include memories of us as a family.

My heart aches and I feel the pain of losing him all over again…

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