Seven Days

My Dearest,

Three years ago today, I was home on maternity leave and we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son. I had an accupuncture appointment on this day hoping that would help get things to move along and Lido would make his grand entrance. He wouldn’t arrive for four more days. During this time you were working like crazy, flying a ton and getting ready to take a few days off to enjoy your newborn (whenever he came).

Two years ago today, we were out at Cannon Beach, enjoying a day to ourselves – just the 3 of us. We had a wonderful breakfast sitting outside and then went to the park where you took Liam for his first trip down the slide. He loved the swings and loved how high you would push him. We walked the beach and took a nap on the sand. I laid my head on your chest and watched the waves roll in and out and watched our son sleeping in his stroller – listened to you breathing, listened to your heart beat. Held your hand. Kissed your neck.

This is so hard. I feel like I’m breaking. This past year, I have kept so much busier with things around here and with the foundation but with all of that, I haven’t grieved like I did the first year. Now, approaching the second anniversary seems so much harder than last year. I know it is because life took on a little more ‘life’ this year…and remembering what once was is like a stab in the heart, a melting of the defenses built to protect, wanting to give my life for yours. I just want you back.

I know I’ve said this before and it is so hard to explain but it just does not seem real. I constantly feel as if I’m walking around as a shadow in a dream world. That this whole thing is not real. How could it be? The times when this feeling is overwhelming me, I wonder if I’m not just in a coma. I wonder if something bad has really happened to me and all of this is just happening in my head. I just feel so hollow.

We had Lido’s birthday party this past weekend. I decided to have it the weekend before his actual birthday because I thought it would be easier to get through…I think the universe has given me a definitive answer – No. Lido came down with a fever Thursday night. By Friday he was off and on with high temps. Saturday morning came and I called/emailed people to make their own decision as to come or not. A lot of people came but didn’t get to see Lido. After I set his cake out on the table, he wanted people to sing to him. After that he said lets cut the cake and the moment a piece was sat in front of him, he looked at me and told me he didn’t feel good. He spent the rest of the party in bed with a fever. When we were setting up for the party (thank you to my brother in law and sister in law) it was gorgeous outside…then the storm came, drenched all the crepe paper hanging to make it look like we were under the ocean…I guess the rain made it a little more realistic…then during the party a picture of Doug was knocked off and the glass broken and about 3 minutes after that a friend’s little girl got some food caught and was choking…All is alright. Picture can be put in another frame and the child was fine. Later that night and I looked up to see a full moon. I think next year, his party will be closer to his birthday – damn the dates involved!

I used to love the fall. Fell in love in the fall. Got married in the fall. Had my son in the fall. My birthday is in the fall.

It’s so hard to hold onto the fact that so much of my life began in the fall but my life was also taken in the fall. My future was taken. My husband’s life and future was taken. And then to have the holidays follow so soon after – ahhh – who the hell am I kidding. Every day just sucks. It’s not fair.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Lido, Uncategorized, Widowhood

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