My Dearest 3 year old

My Dearest Child,

You are three years old today. Officially at 11:09pm…

How you brighten my world. Today, I spent some time with you at school and brought cupcakes with pink icing and sprinkles (both requested by you) & we had your celebration of life with your classmates. You were so excited in your ‘I’m so excited I’m about to burst but I won’t really let you know that I’m that excited’ way that you have about you. We shared pictures of you as a newborn, then at 1 and again at 2. I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to make it through without bursting into tears but I think I got a lot of those tears out yesterday so I had my composure in check today. You showed me around your classroom and you want me to come back and spend time with you there again. You just really made it all so wonderful for me today.

You were excited about your birthday presents and you broke down crying because you couldn’t ride your new bike to dinner…but you did wear your helmet!

You are at a point where you are starting to make up stories, ‘read’ your books and I just see your imagination growing and growing every day. This is such and exciting time as a parent. It’s such a lovely time as a parent. I love when you are really loving a moment and you just come up to me and give me a hug just to let me know that you are happy. And you are so very very happy.

I think that we were given you for a reason. You somehow roll with the punches in an amazing way. You are such a great kid and a fun kid and a loving kid. I don’t know how I would have made it through the past 2 years with you being any other way.

It breaks my heart still and it will always break my heart that your Dad is not here to see you growing and changing. I can hear his voice and responses to you in certain situations and I just sit back and smile – imagining what it would be like. I know he would be having so much fun with you and he would be telling others that it is ‘just damn cool’ to be a Dad. He just couldn’t wait to see you, meet you & to have that name of Dad. He would be so proud of you.

Today, after we got home from school, I let you have a cupcake and put 3 candles on it and set up the video camera, lit the candles and sat with you and sang ‘happy birthday’ to you. That’s what we did for you 2 years ago. I still watch that video sometimes. To hear your Dad’s voice, to see you at that age. After I was done singing, I asked you who else wanted to tell you ‘happy birthday’ and you yelled Daddy! He loves you so much my darling son.

We are leaving tomorrow for Montana. My Uncle John is nearing his death and it is a matter of days. Timing couldn’t suck worse but I think that the universe is pushing me in a direction that I’ve had some problems with the past 2 years…spreading some of your Dad’s ashes. I’ve been toting around a small plastic container of some of his ashes on most every trip I’ve been on for the past 2 years…and none have been released to this date. I knew I wanted to spread some at Yellowstone because that place is special to us (where he proposed) but I haven’t ever gotten around to actually feeling like the moment is right. So, while we are in Montana you and I are going to head to Yellowstone on my birthday and we are going to release some of your Dad’s ashes at Undine Falls. It was named for wise, usually female water spirits who lived around waterfalls and who could gain souls by marrying mortal men. I did gain my soul when I met your Dad. I learned so much about life from him when he was alive and have learned even more after his death. So, we will release a bit of him back there…where it began.

I would like the universe to note that I am listening to it and doing this – so please give me a break here in the near future. I’m a bit tired of this shit.

My darling son, you are part of my soul and part of my fiber. I will always love you and I am so proud to be your Mom. My heart is filled by your love and by the person you are.

Always your Momom.

In this life and the next.


Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Lido, Uncategorized, Widowhood

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