Archive for January 2012

Understanding

30 January, 2012

Sometimes it’s not until you step away, let things sit or steep, that you understand.

This very moment, for instance, I realized why I had not paid any attention to my office. It’s been months that I moved everything in, rearranged and got it looking somewhat presentable and workable. Then it became a dumping ground for remnants of other projects being done in rooms that surround this one room. Sure, I’ve been sitting a the computer, trying to work on things, surrounded by the clutter and the mess. I’ve carved out a little tiny nitch that constitutes a desk and only half a desk at that (and the desk is actually our old dining room table). So in this good size room, I occupy about a 2ft. by 5 ft. section including the amount of space the chair takes up.

Today, I decided I’d start getting this looking clean and organized and start throwing things out, dumping things, putting things into piles to have a garage sale – that sort of thing. I haven’t gotten very far, well, maybe I’ve gotten further than I thought – see step away and gain understanding.

As I was looking through boxes and stuff, I realized that all I come across are things that are Doug’s, Mine and Doug’s, Mine, Doug’s and Lido’s or some other combination that involves the three or two of us. This is the room that holds the most memory things. Including the box of burned items, charred items, the things left in the pockets the day he died. Seeing that again – that’s when I understood. I have a 2×5 ft. space in this room because that is all I want to take up. It’s easier to deal with things when they are new and hold no memories. It’s hard to look at these things in this room – the ours – the old.

Here I am though. Thankful that I am doing this today and thankful that Lido stayed home sick…because in the middle of my 2×5 ft. space in this room he sat on my lap and we looked at pictures of us. The Doug pictures. The Doug and I pictures. And most importantly the Us pictures. I saw pictures that I hadn’t seen in so long and told him stories. Laughed when I came across a picture of him and Doug laughing together and another one of Doug just making silly faces – seeing Lido smile and say “I do that!” when he saw those pictures…

Even though I sit here writing this and crying, I understand. I understand a little more…

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