The things I wish

Lately, Lido has been bringing up Doug and the things ‘they’ did together. It’s hard when these things come up because I have only a year of memories of what they did together and even then, I don’t hold all the memories. Doug holds some of them. He holds those moments they had in the mornings when it was just him and Lido. Making breakfast for the both of them, hanging out playing Wii (well, Doug playing and Lido sitting in his lap watching). He has the memories of the time he went to the grocery store, locked the keys in the car and the only way home was via shopping cart with the baby carrier on top and rain coming down…He has the memories and the thoughts he had when rocking Lido to sleep at night. He has the memories and the thoughts of seeing Lido walk for the first time – which he didn’t share with me because he wanted me to be a part of it (I didn’t find out until after Doug died but am so thankful that he saw this first, even if it was without me). He has those memories and thoughts that I can only guess at when Lido asks me questions.

And that is okay. I’d like to think that those thoughts, those precious memories that he had of just his son and him were the last he had before he died. Of course, along with the memories of us, the happiest moments of our life which were numerous…

I don’t have much trouble imagining what Doug’s thoughts were when he spent time alone with Lido because I don’t think that they were much different than the thoughts I had, I just wish he had more of them. More of which Lido would remember.

These are things that I wish for. I don’t have any regrets for how we lived life, how we were as a couple, the things we didn’t do because we did exactly what we needed to do.

I wish he could see me know though. I don’t know if he would really recognize me. Sometimes, it is hard to recognize myself and I know that I am still changing, still moving forward and making some tough decisions in my life in regards to the path I want to take, the friends that I want to have, my life overall…and like last night, there are times when it is all just so unbelievable still. I look for him laying on the sofa or look up thinking he will walk into the bedroom – I still long to share with him. Share with him the things that I’ve done. Last night, that is what I looked for – him. It was as if nothing had happened. When I realized that I had expected him to walk in, the world didn’t crash down on me as it so often does but I laughed and took that moment to really feel as if he was alive. It isn’t reality but it is a moment in time when all else fades away and I really truly feel that he is here with me.

After contemplating this for a while last night, I wonder if those moments won’t come in greater number the more I live. Really live. Live without feeling bad that I’m the one here…live my life making my decisions. Live for opportunities rather than existence.

This is my wish.

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