Growth Spurt

My dearest child,

Again, it’s been a while and my how you have changed. You are taller, more talkative, a tiny bit more outgoing (it takes a bit less than 30 minutes for you to warm up to strangers), more imaginative and still observant as ever.

This journey with you over the past 2.5 years without your Dad has been just that, a journey. You constantly amaze me & you are wise beyond your 3.5 years…

There have been a few instances as of late, where I know you’ve been working things through and understanding more and more about your Dad. It hurts to see you go through it, especially when I think I am communicating with you in a way that you understand and then it completely flops…

This year for your Dad’s birthday, I thought you were old enough that we could celebrate it together and plan a day out have a great brunch, flying kites and getting a couple cupcakes. I told you the plan and that it was your Dad’s birthday so we were going to do something fun to celebrate his life. You were excited and told anyone you could that it was your Dad’s birthday.

Well, brunch was good. The rest of the day…not so much. It took me forever to get the kite together and it was frickin’ hot outside and there was just enough wind and you were a big help to a great extent but when it came down to getting that kite up into the fucking air…it hit me – not the kite – but the fact that some things in life are just easier when you have someone beside you, helping you. That I, not that I do this, can not expect you to step up, pick up the kite and make it fly. In those few short minutes of trying to get the kite to fly, it all just came crashing down on me. I’m tired of doing this alone and he should have been there at the other end of that fucking kite. Helping me. Showing you what to do.

Easter was the next week and as we were setting the table for brunch, you came to me and pointed to the end of the table and said ‘that’s where my Dad is going to sit, right?’ I just stood there. I had no idea what to say. In split second thinking I reeled over everything that I had said to you lately, conversations we had had within the past week, month, year to figure out why you would think that your Dad would be sitting down with us…Then, I just picked you up, went to the living room, sat you on my lap and told you that he couldn’t sit at the table with us. That he could only watch us from the sky and heaven…It really was the first time I’ve had to think about explaining death to you. I don’t know if celebrating your Dad’s birthday confused you in some way – I’m assuming it did – but after I said what I did, you looked at me and told me you wanted to go and play. I could see your mind turning all of this over & knew that yes, you would be okay and sometimes the only thing I’ll be able to do is just give you a great big hug, a kiss and tell you that I love you. Because, damn it, sometimes there can be no explanation, no words.

And you do amaze me. You see so much in this world and I hope you never lose that. I love you and we are doing good kid. We both have our moments but we are doing good. We celebrate your Dad’s life everyday by living ours to the fullest & opening up our hearts and head to the bigger picture. He taught me so much, gave me so much and loved both of us so much. Through his life & his death, he has opened up a whole world to us, a way to live life, to love, to laugh…to embrace it all as he did.

On a final note, you my child, make me laugh. Your imagination and humor, just amazing.

I’ll always love you.

This life and the next,

Your Momom


Funny face at home…


Having fun in Munich with some dear friends…


Running in Paris…


Self portrait (we do a lot of these) in Salzburg during our carriage ride…

Explore posts in the same categories: Flying Dodo, Lido, Widowhood

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