Happy Birthday

My Dearest,

This is the 4th birthday that you have missed. You would have been 38 today and this year, for god knows what reason, it seems to have hit me really hard. I feel I have made it through so many holidays and special days without you now, that it is usually a few days before that is the hardest but this one, well, this one has just sucked.

I think it all started when I was in Portland and had to turn around from my original destination due to a check engine light coming on. On the way back to the house, I saw the sign for the park we had Lido’s 1st birthday party and my 35th. The last place we spent time together as a family, the day before you died. I found myself turning off the highway and heading straight for the park and walked directly to the grove of trees, where we sat for a picnic and some pictures when Lido was maybe 6 months old.  I knew the exact spot where we had the blanket and as I walked to it, I just melted into the ground, laid on my back and looked up at the sky through the same tree branches as we did four years ago. Lido was looking for sticks and called out to me and when I sat up, he was crawling up the leaning tree where we had propped him up against to take pictures those four years ago. It was right then that the tears came and I found myself sobbing and shaking and our beautiful son walked over to me and just held me and hugged me.

It’s been a long time since that has happened. I find myself hiding more and more of my grief, mainly so that Lido doesn’t see me sad and also, because when I do start thinking about it, well, I feel overwhelmed and there is no one around me to pick up the pieces so, I keep it together because I can no longer pick up the pieces by myself. I feel so fragile. Even more fragile now than in the first few months after you died.

And honestly, I don’t really want to tell this to you on your birthday but I’m really pissed at you right now. I’m right in the midst of trying to make some major life decisions and you aren’t fucking here to talk to about any of them. It pisses me off and I’m mad, so very, very mad. I’m fucking tired of worrying about Lido, if I’m doing the right thing, have him in the right school, if I’m a good parent, if I’m teaching him the right things. I’m fucking mad about the fact that I have to figure out how soccer is played and go and buy shin guards for him and take him to his first practice next week by my fucking self. I’m mad at you babe. Mad you are not here. Mad you are not here to console me, to cheer me on.

I’m lost without you. You knew me better than I knew myself and right now, I could really use you by my side. I’ve never, ever felt this alone and this indecisive in my entire life. Never.

But, I can’t stay angry with you. Especially on your birthday. So, today, on your 38th birthday, I am going to make one major life decision. It’s a decision that I’ve been working through for a bit now and a decision needs to be made. All the ducks are in a row and all I have to do is commit and make the decision, which apparently I suck at for the first time in my life. However sucky I am at making decisions right now – a decision will be made.

And to get me out of this rut of misery and crying every single fucking day, I am going to forget about myself and bring a smile to someone else. 38 someone elses to be exact. 38 acts of kindness.

(Lido and I are also celebrating with some chocolate cake (your favorite) and a Guinness. He asked if he could have some Guinness too…)

Babe, I miss you more than words can say. I wish you were here to celebrate the highs and work through the lows with us. I wish you were here to watch your son at his first soccer practice. I wish we could celebrate your birthday with you.

It’s a 1st, it’s spring – I hope to see you throughout the day.

I love you. In this life and the next.







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