Grateful

My Darling,

I’m still a bit mad. My heart is still a little heavy and I do feel like I could break at any moment but intertwined within it all, I feel strength and I feel you around me.

As Lido has gotten older – and I do have to remind myself it has only been 3 years since your death – I have tried to start little traditions to celebrate your life and who you were. Frisbee golf on Thanksgiving and now, on your birthday, acts of kindness.

I decided to do this because really – I needed to get outside myself a bit. I didn’t want to go through the day wallowing in sadness and fear (which, by the way, I could so easily have done). The acts of kindness are not only selfless but selfish because I definitely benefited by spending the entire day giving to others.

I got to talk about you. I don’t get to do that often. Strangers asked for your name. They cried as I cried. I got some high fives and big toothy smiles. Lido asked even more questions about you and enjoyed being a part of it all. He liked it when someone asked about you.

Tonight, as we talked about the day, I told him that we needed to tell you happy birthday and to do that, we closed our eyes and imagined your face and that you were hugging us both and we say ‘happy birthday daddy, I love you’. I’m sure you heard his sweet little voice whisper that as he clenched his eyes closed and as I hugged him tight.

Happy Birthday my love.

In this life and the next.

Always,

Me

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