Archive for September 2013

My Love

20 September, 2013

My Dearest Love,

Four years today. 

I’ve just deleted about 500 words that I wrote – it is all just stuff I know you see and feel. I don’t want to recap the year for you. You know. 

Instead, I just want to say I love you. I have never loved anyone so deeply in my life. You truly were meant for me and I am always amazed to look back on our life together and see just how great we were together. I never knew something like that could exist. I’m so very, very thankful that you came into my life. That you loved me. 

I’ve seen the signs that you are around me. Its been going on for a few weeks now. The lights have been flickering, the ladybugs are out in full force on my front door and a beautiful monarch butterfly keeps landing on Lido’s finger when we are out front…he keeps saying “it’s an answer from my Dad!” So very cute and I’ve stopped correcting him – instead of answer that it is a sign…because I think it is an answer. You are here around us. 

I love you Doug. I always have and I always will. 

In this life and the next.

 

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Yes, it is

19 September, 2013

my birthday.

A day I’d desperately love to celebrate and one that I’d love to skip. Actually, I’d love to skip today and tomorrow. Just erase them from the calendar.

Then I think about what I would miss. I think about what I would not remember.

It has been a really rough couple of weeks. I’ve never spent this time of year for the past 3 years at home. I’ve made it a point to travel, to get away and do something, anything. Traveling during this time of year has always felt like I was living, really living. Doing something to celebrate and remember and also to be able to take a breather. To sit with my thoughts…no distractions other than the beauty surrounding me.

I haven’t been sleeping and that has been really rough on my body. After Lido’s birthday party on Sunday, I felt that I could barely keep my eyes open and I had zero energy to make dinner and barely enough energy to run out a pick something up. I was so exhausted that I told Lido to turn off the TV when his movie was done and come up to bed….because I was heading up right at that moment. The next day I felt like I was hit by a mack truck and ended up feeling pretty yucky the last few days. I’ve tried to get into the gym but my body felt like it would revolt if I did…last night I finally gave myself permission to not feel bad about not getting a workout in for the past few days. That seemed to change a lot – the moment I said it was okay I felt more energized and ready to hit the gym hard this morning. And that is what I did.

39 years behind me and entering my 40th year…I worked out hard. I squatted until my legs gave out. I did bicep curls until my arms shook. My triceps wept…Then I drove to my stairs…I ran up those stairs for every year that Doug and I were together and for every year we have been apart. 12. Half-way through I looked up into the sky and broke down. Sobbing at the bottom of the stairs. Barely able to breathe. Then I ran, two steps at a time. Because I could. Because he can’t.

Before I ran the stairs I looked at his facebook page and someone had posted a pic of themselves with their helicopter and said “You have had a big impact on my career Doug. Thanks for everything!” Seeing that was a wonderful gift to me today. To hear this, to know this…well, it just means so much to me.

Then I started thinking of all of the beautiful people that have made an impact on my life, especially over the past four years. The people that have stood by me even when they were not sure what to do to help me. The people that have come into my life that I never really knew before and the people that have come back into my life. The words of encouragement, the emails, the little packages on my doorstep, the laughter, the texts telling me to get my butt into the gym and sweat it out, the wishes and love from people I haven’t even met in person. I just want to say thank you.

Today is a juxtaposition. It is a difficult day but one that I am trying to make better each and every year. I do wish I had went ahead and booked a trip…but I guess I’ll just save it for next year. Do “our trip”. The one we never got to go on but had been planning on taking after finishing up as a CFI. Neither one of us had much on our bucket list but this was one thing I know he wanted to do…so the planning will start and this time next year, I will be sitting drinking a Guinness fresh from the tap…and spreading a bit of ashes where I sit…

Today though, I’m going to sweat it out, stay healthy and live life:

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My Sweet Boy

16 September, 2013

My Sweet Boy,

You are five today. You are amazing, sweet, loving, stubborn, silly, an expert at everything, love dinosaurs, love transformers, snuggling with me and watching a movie. You are so intelligent and you are so compassionate. 

It truly is hard to believe that you are five already. I see you laying here sleeping and remember when you were a tiny little thing snuggled up in blankets and laying in between your Dad and I. My mind goes directly to those moments when you were so very small and when it was the three of us. 

You are so incredibly loving and compassionate. You are always quick to put an arm around one of your friends or give them a hug. You are still shy at times but you are coming into your own more and more. Tonight when we went to dinner for your birthday, you surprised me by telling our waitress that it was your birthday and you are five…it is a restaurant we go to all the time but you have never willingly spoken to any of them. I think that sometimes, you get it in your head that at “x point” you will be fine talking to someone or doing something…but until then you will observe. You chose the restaurant tonight because you knew they had desserts that you could have – there is a lot going on in that brain of yours…I love it. You have specific ways of doing things, and of how you think things should work. 

This past year we haven’t travelled as much as we’ve done in the past and we’ve just explored our surroundings and started getting involved in more things in our neighborhood. You played soccer for the first time and even though it was a struggle the first couple of games you stuck with it and decided that you were not going to be afraid to play and by the third game, you were out there playing hard and having a great time. The fall season just started and after the first game, you saw your old soccer coach and ran to tell him you scored two goals – you were so proud of yourself and I loved that you wanted to share that with him. 

You are really starting to get a silly side to you. You like to say things that are followed up with “just kidding”. You think it is so funny. You also love pretending to be asleep and you got me really good the other night when I really did think you fell asleep. It wasn’t until half-way up the stairs with you in my arms that I saw a little smirk…that, my son, was a good one. 

I’m proud of the both of us for this past year. We are really starting to get our groove and I know part of it is that I am finding my groove as being the only parent. It is still a struggle at times but we work well together. You are just a kid at times and other times, well, you seem to have a sixth sense about you. 

I love you my sweet boy. It is amazing how much you have grown and changed over the past year. I still see so many things that remind me of your Dad, especially some of the looks and mannerisms. It is wonderful to see him in you and especially how you make it all your own. You miss him and I know it is hard on you to see your friends with their Dad’s. I see you gravitate to any man that comes into your life – your soccer coaches, teachers, etc. I hope that people realize that just a small gesture to any child can make a world of difference. I’ve seen it happen to you. I’m always so grateful for them to take an extra little time out for you or to say great job kiddo. 

We had an amazing summer hanging out and having fun. You are my workout and running partner and love getting to hit the punching bag after I’m finished with my workout…you have a mean left AND right hook! The craziest thing that has happened is you losing a tooth ALREADY! You lost your first tooth and have two more loose as well as your 6-yr. molars are in! Please, quick trying to grow up so fast! I can’t keep up!

I’m proud of you my five year old. I love you more than life. Happy Birthday sweet boy. 

In this life and the next,

Your Momom

 

A few weeks before you were born:

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You and your Daddy just hours after you were born:

 

 

 

 

 

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You and your Daddy on your 1st birthday after you had your birthday cupcake:

 

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Two years old – Oregon coast:

 

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Three:

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Four:

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Five:

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That month…

9 September, 2013

Oh this month. I love it. I despise it.

The month of ushering in my favorite season. The month of birthday celebrations. 

…and the month of That Day. 

The 1st day of the month found me crying most of the day as well as the days that followed. 

It’s more than just this month though. It is just this time of year. The back-to-school moments that he will never take part in. The new soccer season starting that he will never help coach. The superhero birthday party he will not be a part of. The birthday where I turn 28 again where he will ignore the year and call me his bride. The wedding anniversary we will never celebrate. 

It seems all too much to take in in such a short period of time. 

Then, the planning. The planning of Lido’s birthday party. Trying to figure out the best day to have it on where it is not too close to that damn date. Then it is side-stepping Lido’s questions about my birthday. What are we going to do. What do I want. The one I have absolutely no desire to celebrate.

The past 3 years we have always taken a trip this time of year. Right around our birthdays and that date. The second year sucked as my Uncle was dying and ended up passing away on ‘that date’. That year, we spread Doug’s ashes in Yellowstone and on top of Bear Tooth Pass. Last year, Lido and I took an amazing trip to the Turks and Caicos where we swam every day, all day and a wonderful lady at the resort found out it was my birthday and made reservations for us as well as got us a huge cake – for just the two of us. It was all I could do to not cry as I shared the cake with those around us…and then they started asking questions…and I shared our story. I’m glad I could share the story but man, when you are hanging on by a thread…well…

I can’t even remember what I did that first year. I have absolutely no idea. I can’t even remember if I went anywhere…oh, yes. I went back to Portland. I went to the crash site with a hazelnut latte, a six pack of Guinness and a pack of the shitty cigarettes he smoked – PallMall. I smoked a cigarette, drank a Guinness, and finished up most of the latte. The rest, I left there.  I lost my orange scarf out there…I saw two eagles flying overhead. Huge, huge eagles. They showed up right before the time of the crash and circled overhead for a long while…

This year, no trip planned. 

And I’m okay with that. Lido has his schedule booked and I thought that this year would be a good year just to be around our things during this time. Maybe get together with some friends of Doug’s to celebrate his life. To remember him. 

I have felt that this year, I’m ready to celebrate and start ushering in the future…but I’ve been scared of even looking at the future at this point. Then, this past week, one of my assignments for a class was to sit through a meditation where it had you imagine what your future looked like and to invite any visions to come in and be open. I was listening to the meditation and going deeper into a meditative state, then she asked us to start looking and inviting what we see in our future. Immediately, all I saw and felt was this swirling vortex around me, almost as if I was Dorothy sitting on my bed watching things swirl around me. Everything I saw was gray and dark and just this energy whipping around me. 

At the end of the meditation, we were supposed to draw/color/paint what we saw for our future…I couldn’t do it. It just made me sick and I didn’t want to draw this out. Instead, I sat there in meditation once again to rid myself of these feelings and ended up just separating my brain from my heart and drew what my heart was saying…It was mountains with a river running through them. It was my “happy place”. A place in Yellowstone that is just amazing.

I turned in the assignment and my instructor immediately sent me an email with her comments. I had explained that I had difficulty with this assignment and just had to do what I needed to do just to get through it. In her voicemail (she typically sends CM instead of writing everything out), she made me think about a few things and realize a few things. Or, maybe just one big thing.

Love.

Pure and simple.

Love.

As I approach the 4-year mark, the birthdays, the anniversaries I have decided that it is important to sit and meditate on Love. To fill my heart with love and to imagine my future – as love. There needs to be no details. I don’t have to see exactly where I will live, what I will be doing, what Lido will be like. All I need to do is envision Love as my future. Love surrounding me, coursing through me. 

I sat and pondered this approach. Only for a few minutes. I immediately felt my heart lighter and my soul and my mind willing to not dwell on the sadness but to let the love in. To grab hold of it. My fear of imagining a future, I believe, will not be a fear for much longer. Instead it will be welcomed because I know that my future is love.

With a little bit of silliness added in….

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