Year Five

Five Years.

It can’t possibly be true.

But it is.

This year, I found myself not in the tumultuous countdown of days but rather practicing the ability to block all feeling. I didn’t want to revisit the memories of our last weekend together. That last minute trip to the coast. I didn’t want to relive Lido’s birthday evening. I didn’t want to relive running from the car to the bakery shop to get cupcakes – a chocolate lovers for you, a sunflower one for Lido and a vanilla one for me. The smells, the sounds. The drive home from the birthday party that Saturday. Just you and me.

Unfortunately the practice of blocking all of this out means that it will come out eventually…and hit hard. It also feels so much worse when it seems that very few reach out any more. I still hurt. What you may be seeing on the outside, the face, the smile, the doing things, making memories – it isn’t all without pain. In fact, there is still much pain in every action. Every. Single. Action. Every day as our son does new things, learns new things, goes through growing pains, goes through happy moments – it is all still painful.

A phone call on the day he died wouldn’t kill you. A simple message. Nothing more than letting me know you are thinking about him. About us.

Not leaving us completely alone. No ties to you any longer. Not a part of a whole.

This is what has been on my mind the past 24 hours.

Then I remember those that have reached out. The note sent snail mail from a friend with a short simple note. The few texts I received from friends both old and new. These I hold onto.

I hold onto the memories I made with our son over the past week. It had been a long time since we traveled anywhere. It was nice. All I saw each day were hundreds of yellow and white butterflies. I even found a yellow and white butterfly shell on the ocean floor while I was snorkeling. They actually look like angel wings. Whenever I need him the most, I always seem to see yellow and white butterflies. They came in abundance.

I hold onto what I tell my clients – live life! Look for the people that are truly in your life and support you and love you. And above all else – Let It Go.

It was truly an amazing trip and we were able to take an enormous amount of donations to a school close to where we were staying. I’ll be blogging about that or at least sharing the link of the blog from the organization we worked with. We snorkeled and saw an amazing amount of starfish – massive starfish. Lido was a pro and spent a good three hours in the water one day just snorkeling in open water. He tans just like his Dad. He has his smile. He has so many similar qualities of the both of us. He is an amazing child and I loved when he woke up the day after my birthday – the day his Dad died – and said “Mom, I forgot to give you your birthday present. I can give you a couple right now though” and proceeds to give me the biggest hug and kiss ever. These are the very first words I’d like to hear on that day…it couldn’t have been more perfect.

Doug will always be in my thoughts. He is in my thoughts every single day. Please remember that as time passes, those that have lost, especially those closest to the loss – the spouse in this instance – still need your words. Still need your encouragement, your love. Don’t do it from afar. Even when it looks like I’m doing fine, I may not be. Even when it looks like I’m moving forward with my life, I still miss him with all of my heart. Most actions and most thoughts in my life include a part of him somewhere in my brain.

Year Five.

Sucks.

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