Posted tagged ‘Flying Dodo’

19 months

15 April, 2010

My Dearest LiDo,

You will be 19 months old tomorrow and I’m hoping that when you wake in the morning you will have gotten over your screaming phase. I won’t hold my breath on that one but it would be nice. For now though I will try and cherish the fact that your screaming and shrieking is all a part of you gaining and wanting your independence as well as being on your way to speaking to me in full paragraphs.

We have had quite the week. I’ve made it a point this week to take you to places in the mornings when you are at your finest and with the most energy. On Monday we went to Liberty Memorial and walked around the statues and looked over downtown and even got to see the life flight land and take off. It amazes me that you know the difference between the sound of a helicopter and the sound of a plane. You’re spot on all the time. Tuesday we went to a farm where they had chickens, calves, cows, fish and ducks. You were semi-interested in the animals and definitely interested in how everything worked. You were trying your hardest to get the pin out of the holding pin that held the calves. You had figured out how it worked and you tried your hardest. Unfortunately it was a bit taller than you but I think with time you would have figured out some McGyver way of getting the holding pen undone. At the pond feeding the fish, you were more interested in seeing how the ropes looped through the posts and if you put your weight down on the rope in front of you then the rope further away went up…Much to the chagrin of other mothers there…hey – I can’t help it if I have a little engineer on my hands.

Wednesday found us eating lunch with Nanna and a friend of Mommy’s and then we all headed down to the horse fountain and let you guys play for a bit. You were hitting your wall so we didn’t stay for too long. On the way home you crashed so  took the opportunity to go and buy new running shoes. That afternoon after your nap we took a run and I did over 3 miles…and am still paying for it. You just lounged and I think really liked it.

This month would have been your Dad’s 35th birthday. We spent a few days at your grandmother’s house including part of his birthday there. You had fun going to the garden that morning. It was beautiful and calming.

You are starting to talk more and more. Most of the things I can understand….you started this new game of pointing at everything and wanting me to tell you exactly what it is. You especially like doing this at the dinner table where I tell you that that is ‘mommy’s plate” and that is “LiDo’s plate”. You start out slow and then get faster and faster. I think you think it is a game to see how fast I can talk and explain things.

We’ve had our difficult times this past month…with your screaming and all. You are certainly testing the boundaries and I’m still trying to figure those out to a certain degree. I do wish you’d wake up in the mornings and instead of just wanting to go…you would play with your toys for a bit while I wake up slowly. At least you are not waking up at 5am though. It’s just hard to be going through this stage with you without your Dad around. I end up getting frustrated and just wonder if you would have been better off with him rather than me or trying to figure out what your Dad would do. He was always so good with you. He just had such an easy going manner and laughed. I try my hardest to be like the Mom I was with your Dad but I feel like I am failing in that. When I get frustrated I just think that your Dad would just handle it with a smile or a laugh or a firm voice if needed and time out as well. Once I think of how he would be it makes me know that I’m doing okay even though I don’t think that I am. We were similar in parenting…I guess I just miss him being there to support. This morning didn’t start out very well but it got better by the afternoon. I just couldn’t sleep very well last night and neither could you. This doesn’t make for a pleasant combination in the mornings.

You are a very independent little guy but you still need my hugs and my kisses now and again. You love getting butterfly kisses on your face. When you want one you take my head with both of your hands and starting blinking at me…it is really very cute and I love it. You love wandering the house as I’m cleaning. You love the freedom and I’m about ready to take down the baby gates in the family room. With summer here we don’t really hang out in there and watch tv anymore. We are either outside doing something or on our way to some activity. I bought you a little plastic slide for the backyard and you love climbing and sliding down. Just yesterday you figured out that you could hang your feet off the side and you were trying to jump off of the side…I stopped you and you ended up ‘covering your intentions up’ by sliding down sideways. You are a climber. You are constantly hanging on to the side of the counter and trying to see what is going on up high. You get so excited when you see a dog and tonight you practically ran across the street to get to one. I think that you scared the lady walking the dog when you screamed out “DOG”. She ended up coming to our side of the street so you could pet the dog but again you were more interested in taking the leash and figuring out how it worked and walking the dog yourself. She let you walk him a little bit – until you let go of the leash…I think you just wanted to see what would happen.

You still ask “what’s that” all the time. You understand me when I give you directions to get the soccer ball or the red balloon or your pirate ship or truck or car. You love helping me unload the dishwasher and you set the table with your plate and fork as well as take your dirty dishes to the sink after you eat. You love the Panda Kitty and constantly want her to sit on your lap. Although you sit on her so she never quite knows what you want from her at any given time. She comes back for more so I can’t imagine she is holding much of a grudge. She did bite you today a couple of times which I honestly can’t say I don’t blame her. You were being pretty rough with her and she gave you one of her ‘get away from me bites’ which is similar to her “love bites”. You didn’t mind too much and it got you to stop. Maybe that is what I should do with you when you scream??? Tempting….

It is wonderful to see you how much you are growing even though at times it takes more energy than I have. I just remind myself to stop and breath and just look at you and let you be a kid. You are a wonderful kid and you are affectionate, you are stubborn, you are willful, you are sweet, you laugh, you have humor, you make jokes.

I love you my sweet thing.

Your Mom.

This photo pretty much captures you this month…so much attitude and knowledge all wrapped up at once…

The Rope

Watching the big cows eat…

Birthday picture for Daddy…

At the garden…GQ Pose….

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Scream

26 March, 2010

A few days ago it had been a difficult morning with LiDo. Don’t get me wrong – he is not a difficult child by any means but when you are around each other 24/7 with only one of you communicating in actual English…nerves begin to get raw by both parties involved. We were just having a bad morning. He hardly touched his lunch and I was exhausted and decided that if he wasn’t going to eat then he was going for his nap. He was not in agreement. I laid him in his bed and he cried for a bit. I went downstairs and just sat in a dark living room, curtains drawn and just stared at the floor. He started screaming. I started screaming.

I started screaming and pounding the pillows on the couch.

After hitting the pillows a couple of times I stopped because I thought that I shouldn’t be doing that.

Then I hit them again. And again. And again.

Then I felt all the blood rushing to my arms. Oxygen coursing through my veins.

For the first time in six months I felt something. Even if it was just the overexertion of using my arms in a manner I’m not accustomed to.

I also screamed at Doug.

Screamed at him for leaving me.

Screamed at him for not coming back from that flight.

Screamed at him for telling me that he wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

Screamed at him for not keeping his promise.

Screamed at him for leaving me as a single mom.

Screamed at him for making me do this on my own.

Screamed at him for making me feel this pain.

Screamed at him for loving me.

Screamed at him.

Screamed.

This was the first time in six months that I got mad at our situation – got mad at Doug. I’ve tried putting on a good front. I know that people look at me and thing that I’m doing fine. That I am still my old self. I feel like I have been doing this in part because if I am any other way people start to feel uncomfortable around me. I also do it in part because I still have elements of me that will never change. And I’ve never been one to lie down and give up.

Even during some of the darkest moments that hit me about 3 – 4 months out…I still tried. I wasn’t good at it. But I tried. But mostly I just laid on the couch and watched t.v. and let my body catch sickness after sickness. And cried. And didn’t take showers. Drank too much coffee and hardly ate anything. I barely got up. LiDo had food. His diaper got changed. He played. I slept.

But I never screamed. I never screamed at Doug.

Until yesterday.

Javagirl

23 March, 2010

I was thinking about changing the title of my blog. I erased it. Then I put it back as is.

I think I will leave it as Javagirl for the time being. It is what this blog started as…before we became parents….before I became a widow. I’m still here somewhere. I am not in the same form as I was. I have many new facets to me. I’m sure I will learn that I have changed more than I can tell right now. For now though I’ll let this little blog keeps it’s original name. Because even after losing the love of your life…you still need java. Maybe even more of it….

Slide

23 March, 2010

Today was warm. Very warm. Although it didn’t melt all the snow in the backyard…

LiDo ended up falling asleep in the car on the way home from visiting a couple of daycares. After trying to get him to eat some lunch and not succeeding to a certain degree I put him to bed to see if he would take more than a car nap…it wasn’t to be. So I packed him into the stroller and we headed down to the park near our house. We were the only ones there which was nice. He had the entire jungle gym to himself and boy was he all over the thing. We had been to this park when we first moved in but LiDo was still a bit unstable on his feet so I was constantly running after him and climbing up to rescue him from certain falls (by the way they need to make some of these things a little more adult friendly). Today however, he was climbing up the steps, walking across the bouncy bridge and the one thing I was so proud of him doing…he went down the slide by himself. No fear. Just sat down and went. And it was the big kid slide not the little one…

And then WHACK. Grief just swept over me, through me, around me. It was you who took him down his first slide. A week before you died. I look at things like this and think that you were the one who taught him how to go down a slide and now he is doing it by himself and then I think about all the things that you are not here to teach him to do. I just try and hold on to the things that he did learn from you and remember those times to tell him that it was you who taught him that…I just wish those times wouldn’t run out so soon.

On the other hand there are thousands of things that he will learn from you by hearing stories from me.

Just lately I’ve started adding to his bedtime routine. He understands absolutely everything that you say to him so I thought it would be good to start a bedtime tradition of telling you what we did that day. We already ‘kiss Daddy’ – I have a picture of you in his room that he kisses good night and then Mommy gets a kiss too. So the past couple of nights we have been telling you about our day. I just want him to always know that it is okay to talk to you and talk about you. So I hope you are listening.

My bedtime routine is still the same as always. I turn to your side of the bed and tell you that I love you. I lay towards where you used to lay and cry. The crying part is new and the fact that you are not there is also new…I hope you hear me too.

My sweet little boy

20 March, 2010

Dearest LiDo,

You are officially 18 months old. A year and a half…and you think you are at least 3! It has been interesting to watch you this month. I took you out of daycare because it wasn’t working out with them so you have been home with me. I know you have enjoyed it but I can see that you want to be around other kids and play as much as you can. This was especially apparent at the St. Pat’s party we had at the house. I saw you only during the parade, otherwise you were off playing and screaming and running. A very happy child indeed.

We took a big step this month. Moved you to a toddler bed. I knew it was coming as you were not happy at all when I would lay you down in your crib. You would refuse to sleep or cry your eyes out for far too long and I just knew that this was the step that you wanted. It was hard for me to do because it was just one of those times where I ached for your Dad to be here. It was his job to take the crib down and get it set up for you to move to a toddler bed…I didn’t want it to be mine.  However, these moments are almost daily and I just have to believe that he is watching us and smiling at these milestones.

I spent the afternoon rearranging your room and taking the crib front apart and making it into a toddler bed. It was easier than I thought it would be…and after getting it set up along with putting up the border that hung in your old room and rearranging furniture…I let you come take a look at it all.  You were so proud! You were excited. You were crazy drunk on happiness. You tried climbing in and with a little boost you made it into your new bed. And you beamed. You got in and out and when I put a little step in front of the bed you climbed in and out faster and had no hesitation. You stood up on the step and back down and waited for your Nanna and I to clap and tell you how proud we were. You climbed into bed and sat there with your back so straight and just smiled – forcing those Daddy dimples out. You ran around the room screaming and laughing. You showed me life.

You have also been bound and determined to walk up the stairs just like any older child or adult would. You reach up to the banister and grip the tips of your figures onto it and just start going…and with a little help from the other side holding my hand…you make it all the way up. This has been going on for the past couple of months and tonight – well – I think you grew an inch over the past couple of days because you grabbed onto the banister and you did it by yourself.

That is the thing with you kid. It doesn’t take you long to just do it yourself. When we were in Florida and driving around the golf cart you got to the point very quickly where you did not want my hand on you or my arm around you keeping you ‘in’ the cart. You wanted to sit there all grown up.  I worry sometimes that I won’t get to keep my ‘little boy’ as this determination keeps going…but then you remind me at times like tonight that you still need me to curl up next to and rock you to sleep…

And that moment came at the right time. Today it is 6 months. Six months since your Dad died. I put you to bed early as you had sleepy eyes and you went to lay in your bed just fine. After about 10 minutes you were up and crying at your door. I went up to get you and put you back in bed and you went straight for the rocking chair and motioned that you wanted me to sit and rock you…Thank you for that. It was six months ago today that I was rocking you to sleep a few hours after finding out your Dad died…and that night as I was rocking you to sleep you kept your head turned towards the door and smiled. I’d like to think you saw him standing there, watching over us. I’d like to think that you still see him and he visits you in your dreams. I know he lives on in you as I see so much of him in you. I see both of us in you.

We went to Salina for the past couple of days to go to my great-uncle’s funeral. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about going but wanted to be there to see family that I hadn’t seen for a while. We didn’t end up sitting through the service as you were much to busy to sit still so we stayed mainly in the nursery to play. The words that were spoken by several of the immediate family members of my great-uncle to me, were very welcome. The sorrow and the love that they felt for me in the midst of their own grief was welcome as I was not sure if I would yet again be the elephant in the room so to speak…Talking with cousins was helpful as I could see a genuine love and concern from them as well. It was nice to have that family support and love from family who are not ‘immediate’…

My heart still aches every day as grief will always course through my veins. However, the love that your Dad had for me and for you will always course right along with it.  I read some things today that were much needed…as I have been searching for something…not sure what it is but I believe that some of these things are what I was searching for…On a discussion board someone had written that their grief counselor suggested that the weight of the grief and stillness that we feel may be our loved one telling us that they are still here with us. A reminder that love truly does not die and that they can feel and hear our thoughts and love for them still. I found comfort in this as it has been hard for me to ‘feel’ Doug around me. At times I know he is right here beside me and other times I fear that I moved to quickly and live in a house and a place that he does not know therefore would not be able to find us. I’m trying to be still more and face more now and hopefully that will diminish as I do not think that I have truly accepted his death. I do not believe it is real. I had a dream that it was all just a mistake and that he was in Mexico looking at jobs…and didn’t tell anyone. I made him go into HAI and tell them that he was sorry and that he just forgot to let anyone know.  It was so real. This dream felt more real than the life I’m leading right now.

I know I am in denial still to a certain extent. Hell, I took you to see a child psychologist who deals with grief but I can’t get myself to go talk to one…If that isn’t denial I don’t know what is…I do know that I am at the point that I am ready to talk with someone. I haven’t been because quite frankly – I don’t want it to be real. I’m fine existing in the space that I’m in right now. However, I know that I must start on this journey of healing in order to be the best Mother I can for you. And to be the best person I can for me. I just don’t want to because it means that it is real. That this isn’t a dream and that the fog will start lifting more and more.

And then I remember that love does not die. That in our wedding vows, on every card that we wrote, on every love letter written, in every ‘love’ conversation we had – we always said ‘in this life and the next’. We both believed that this was an undying love and a true love always – and so I remember that because he is not here with me physically that he is here and will continue to be here with me, with us, spiritually. It is my path, my journey, to fully realize this and accept this as this life’s reality. On this 6 month mark I guess I am okay with starting this path…to start feeling the pain in it’s truest form so that I can feel our love in it’s truest, undying form.

I told you tonight that the best things that your Dad ever gave me was himself, his love and you. And because of these things I am ready to give myself to this journey and to this path.

I love you my darling child.

In this life and the next,

Forever your Mom.

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