Posted tagged ‘screaming’

Scream

26 March, 2010

A few days ago it had been a difficult morning with LiDo. Don’t get me wrong – he is not a difficult child by any means but when you are around each other 24/7 with only one of you communicating in actual English…nerves begin to get raw by both parties involved. We were just having a bad morning. He hardly touched his lunch and I was exhausted and decided that if he wasn’t going to eat then he was going for his nap. He was not in agreement. I laid him in his bed and he cried for a bit. I went downstairs and just sat in a dark living room, curtains drawn and just stared at the floor. He started screaming. I started screaming.

I started screaming and pounding the pillows on the couch.

After hitting the pillows a couple of times I stopped because I thought that I shouldn’t be doing that.

Then I hit them again. And again. And again.

Then I felt all the blood rushing to my arms. Oxygen coursing through my veins.

For the first time in six months I felt something. Even if it was just the overexertion of using my arms in a manner I’m not accustomed to.

I also screamed at Doug.

Screamed at him for leaving me.

Screamed at him for not coming back from that flight.

Screamed at him for telling me that he wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

Screamed at him for not keeping his promise.

Screamed at him for leaving me as a single mom.

Screamed at him for making me do this on my own.

Screamed at him for making me feel this pain.

Screamed at him for loving me.

Screamed at him.

Screamed.

This was the first time in six months that I got mad at our situation – got mad at Doug. I’ve tried putting on a good front. I know that people look at me and thing that I’m doing fine. That I am still my old self. I feel like I have been doing this in part because if I am any other way people start to feel uncomfortable around me. I also do it in part because I still have elements of me that will never change. And I’ve never been one to lie down and give up.

Even during some of the darkest moments that hit me about 3 – 4 months out…I still tried. I wasn’t good at it. But I tried. But mostly I just laid on the couch and watched t.v. and let my body catch sickness after sickness. And cried. And didn’t take showers. Drank too much coffee and hardly ate anything. I barely got up. LiDo had food. His diaper got changed. He played. I slept.

But I never screamed. I never screamed at Doug.

Until yesterday.