Evening

Tonight was really the first time where I really really felt that the other half of me was missing. It wasn’t upsetting as it was happening and it isn’t still right now but I’m sure this strange feeling will linger. Probably for the better part of my life.

The grill was put together and I invited a small group of friends over to just sit and enjoy the weather, have a few drinks and christen the grill. My next door neighbors joined us and they brought over a bottle of wine they had made and we all sat around and enjoyed conversation. It was during the conversation of course where I felt that I was just not completely there…not mentally but just the other person who made part of me was not there. There was lots of talk of music, ‘days of youth’…things where Doug was just so much more knowledgable than me. Much cooler. Could add to the conversation with history of bands, who he’d seen, obscure music he loved, etc. I kept finding myself on the brink of saying something but not remember the title of the song nor the band name and wanting, longing to look over to him and he would jump in and say what and who it was. But he wasn’t there. So I had to rely on Google.

Google was my replacement tonight for my husband.

That sucks.

Don’t get me wrong. I had a wonderful evening just sitting back and listening to the conversation and feeling ‘at home’ as best as one can in this situation. I loved that the day was spent with kids running around playing in the backyard until there were multiple meltdowns and my son was falling asleep on my shoulder (which he never does when things are happening around him). Then an evening of being kid free and adults around me with adult conversation and laughs. I wanted all of this in this house…these are the things that help make it a home. A home in this new life I’m leading. It was nice to have people around me for a relaxed evening. Doug was brought up multiple times as well which is always nice and it didn’t make anyone flinch – even my new friends, my neighbors. That, I think, was the nicest. To include him still in conversation. After all, so much a part of me is because of him. My story.

I do miss that he isn’t here right now. To relax with me after a fun evening. To talk about how cool our new friends are. Talk about how it was so nice to see the kids outside all afternoon playing nonstop. That is what I miss at this very moment. The bear hug and kiss I would have received during the time I would be putting things away – him making me pause and just be with him and only him with no one else around. The dishes would wait.

It really is those little things that I miss so much. Small gestures. Small pauses.

But I will walk away tonight with new found friendship. Old friendships staying strong. Laughter still ringing through the house and in the backyard even after the lights have been turned off. Love.

Love in this new house that is slowly becoming a home.

This all that one evening can bring.

Cherish the evenings.